Did you ever eat runts? No, I don't mean weakling babies. I mean the little fruit-shaped candies? I personally enjoy them quite a bit. Especially the bananas. I also like the little pink heart-shaped ones. The one kind I definitely don't like is the green ones. I think they're supposed to be limes, but I know that they're really Satan's boogers.
For a while, I would buy a whole pack of runts and eat every last one of them. As a matter of fact, I'd eat the green ones first, to get them out of the way, so I could enjoy the rest. Then I realised that I just wasn't enjoying the green runts at all. They're awful, the sour little bastards. I mean, runts are candy, which is sugar, which is supposed to be sweet.
Those little things are pure evil. I can't believe anyone gets any enjoyment out of them. Not even masochists. Just to be clear on the matter, I recently spoke to the Prince of Darkness himself, just to get the scoop.
Me: So, Satan... is it all right if I call you Satan?
Satan nods.
Me: So, Satan, how did you come up with the idea of selling your boogers as candy?
Satan: Well I was having a pretty shitty time of things, after Hitler bungled World War II, and I came down with a cold. A nasty, bugger of a thing. I was in such a bad mood, I gave some of my minions holidays. I mean ME, the King of all Evils, giving time off. So, anyway, I came up with a particularly bad sneeze and, seeing as noone was watching at the time, I just ate my boogers. They tasted awful. Possibly the worst thing I've ever tasted. And I regularly feed on some raunchy stuff. Have you ever tasted the soul of a lawyer?
Me: Er... no. Can't say I have.
Satan: You should try it some time. You'd hate it. So, I had my booger, and thought that I might as well put it to some use, and spread a little more suffering around on earth. I mean, I always like a good holocaust to make people feel really miserable, but every tiny bit helps. And I managed to market it as candy.
Me: Has it worked?
Satan: Excuse me... *ATCHOO*
Me: God bless you.
Satan gives me a flat stare.
Satan: Oh, he does... he does... Would you like to try one?
Satan offers me a little, ugly green thing.
Me: No thank you.
Satan: Thought not.
Satan pops the booger into his mouth, and a shudder goes up his spine.
Satan: Oh, those are so awful. Anyway, they really haven't been very effective. You humans are dumb as shit, and most of you convince yourself that you do like them. I mean, noone can possibly enjoy eating one of those, but you monkeys continue to pretend otherwise.
Me: Well, Satan, thanks for your time.
Satan: Oh, don't worry, you'll pay for it...
So, there, folks. Green runts are pure evil. You heard it right from the source of all evil, himself.
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