"You remind me of the baby."
"Stop it!" I shouted at Davey. "Every time you do that, he passes out and can't do anything useful for fifteen minutes. Now just shut up and push!"
The cart was stuck in some mud. It had been raining hard for one straight day, and the road resembled a canal of caramel. I was in a terrible mood. Tom was in a terrible mood. Even the dwarves had ceased their normally exuberant threats and were sitting in sullen silence. Mr. Baggins seemed unaffected, but he was a master of making the best of a bad situation. I'm sure he was miserable on the inside, but a rancid poultice he had affixed to his underarm was helping him to act as level and neutral as always. Davey seemed almost cheered by the miserable weather, but I didn't trust anything about him, least of all his apparent state of mind.
I slapped the reins, urging the horses to pull while Mr. Baggins, Tom and Davey leaned into the back of the cart.
"It's no good," Tom shouted over the rain. "It won't budge, man."
This was stupid. Questing was supposed to be about grand adventures, fearful monsters, exciting challenges, and grateful maidens. Not rain and mud. I jumped down from the cart and splashed to the back, where the others were standing catching their breath. I glowered at one of the wheels, which was buried almost to the axle in the sludge. I kicked it sourly.
"That does it," I said. "Everyone stand back."
I rolled up my sleeves while the others took a few steps away from the cart. I chanted a few words while wiggling my fingers a bit, then pointed at the cart. A small red spark arced limply from my finger and landed in the mud with a hiss.
I spun around and stormed off away from the road in a tirade of profanity. I continued on for some time, shouting at the top of my lungs and gesturing obscenely in random directions. In retrospect, I should have popped open a vial of sloth mucus, which is a remarkably soothing substance. At the time, however, I was too busy focusing on the fact that I was soaking wet in a rain drenched field next to a flooded road and it was still raining. Furthermore, I couldn't help but be aware that I was not lying next to a fire smoking a pipe of evercrack while beautiful elf maidens rubbed halucinogenic oils into my skin.
In the middle of my tantrum, I was distracted by my fellow travelers. They were back on the road, shouting and trying to get my attention.
What, I thought to myself, could they possibly want to tell me. Perhaps they wish to point out that it's raining. Or maybe they want to indicate that the cart is stuck in the mud. Ah, I bet they want to tell me that they're not elf maidens and that they don't have any halucinogenic oils.
They seemed to be gesturing wildly in my direction. I threw my hands into the air in disgust, and was struck heavily about the head. I passed out.
I opened my eyes and everything was upside down. So I closed my eyes again. I was in no mood to be bothered by such things as the world turning upside down, so I was just going to ignore it. In my experience, such things often righted themselves given enough time. I was in no hurry, so I decided to try and go to sleep.
"Hey! Wake up!" Tom whispered at me excitedly.
"No."
There was silence for a moment.
"C'mon, we gotta get down from here. Stop kidding around, man."
"I'm not kidding. Is everything still upside down?" I hadn't opened my eyes again.
"Well, yeah. We've been hung from a tree by our feet!"
"I am not opening my eyes again until everything is correctly oriented. Now, please excuse me, I'm going to take a nap."
Tom protested some, but I ignored him. Eventually he fell silent, and I only had to contend with the sounds of Tom struggling to get out of his bonds.
The gentle rocking that was the result of Tom's activity lulled me to sleep, but I was rudely awakened a short time later when I landed on my head.
"You can open your eyes now," Tom said bitterly.
I sat up while rubbing my neck. I looked around me and saw that we were in the middle of a forest, and it was night. It was also still raining.
"Did you set up the tents?" I asked Tom. "I want to get out of these wet clothes and go back to sleep."
"Hey, look, while you were out of it we were captured by a bunch of ogres. They hung the two of us up, but they've still got Davey and your friend Baggins. I think that's their campfire over there."
Tom pointed at a faint light some distance through the trees.
"Ah," I observed.
"Well?" Tom asked, anxiously.
"Well what?"
Tom looked at me, exasperated. "Well, what are we gonna do? We can't just let the orgres eat our friends!"
"Have you ever dealt with ogres, before?"
"No."
"Well I have. We can't just march up to their campfire and ask for our friends back. They'll probably just kill us on the spot. And don't even think about fighting them. They're half again as tall as you with hide thicker than your skull. They're looking for a tender juicy meal, and the only thing that will distract them from Mr. Baggins is a nice, plump cow. Davey is probably safe unless they're looking for toothpicks.
"But... but..."
"Look, which is worse? Two people dying or four people dying?"
"Four people dying, man."
"Excellent. Since we see eye to eye on this, let's try and sneak away before they notice we're free."
"No. No, I won't walk away from them like that."
"Oh, for goodness sake!" I shouted. "I just want to get to sleep. I've had a bad day! You want them saved? Fine! I'll save them."
I stormed off toward the ogre's campfire. As I walked into the light, two lumbering shapes turned to face me in surprise.
"Don't mind me, just getting my friends."
I marched over to Mr. Baggins and Davey, who were trussed up against a tree. I knelt down and started to untie them. The ogres quickly recovered from their surprise, and started to move toward me, grunting angrily.
"Back off!"
The ogres paused, this seemed new to them. The idea of something smaller than them not cowering in fear was a different concept for them. But they continued to advance anyway.
"That does it", I muttered. I stood up and whirled to face the beasts. I swept my hand in an arc between myself and the ogres, and green flame shot out. The ogres were blasted back, and both of them landed heavily in the undergrowth outside of the circle of firelight.
I exhaled heavily. Tom was cautiously creeping into the clearing. He looked at me, then at the ogres, then back at me.
"What?" I demanded. I was really pissed off. There was no way I was going to fall back to sleep without some help.
"Hey... uh. Good going, man," Tom said.
"Whatever. Which way is the cart? I need a drink."
Tom pointed off into the darkness, and I stomped off in the direction he indicated.
I called back over my shoulder. "If I'm unconscious when you find me, for goodness sake, let me sleep!"
It ocurred to me that in a proper adventure, this would be the perfect time for the rain to stop.
It kept raining.
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